Archive for the ‘Comedy Writing’ Category

More Like “The DORK Knight,” Am I Right?

8/2/19

Did you know that 2019 is Batman’s 80th birthday? It’s true! What would happen if the Caped Crusader actually WAS a burden on society – er, I mean an elderly person? Here’s a Nerdist article about my upcoming MAD Magazine story, “What If Batman Were Actually 80 Years Old?”

It’ll be published in the pages of MAD #9, which comes out on August 6th. Artist Pete Woods illustrated the story, and he did an incredible job.  Check out the Nerdist piece (and my “What If Batman…” story in its entirety) via the link above. And click on the thumbnail on the right to see a sneak peek of the first page!

Here are a few more announcements, but if you’ve been to my blog before, you’ll know that afterwards I’ll reward your patience with a humiliating anecdote from my writing career. (So keep reading!)

Two weeks ago, at San Diego Comic Con, I signed copies of Star Wars Adventures #23.  Here’s a picture of me at the signing, which took place at the IDW booth! (I wrote “Majordomo, Major Problems,” the Tales from Wild Space backup story in that issue. The story was illustrated by the amazing Drew Moss.) I’m not the only person who’s excited about Star Wars Adventures #23. The issue got a wonderful review from SciFi Pulse.

Journalist Jonita Davis interviewed me for The Black CAPE, an online publication that caters to older millennial and Gen X film and TV nerds. In the interview, I talked about “Majordomo,” as well as some of the Little Golden Books I’ve written for Penguin Random House (e.g. The Doctor Strange Little Golden Book).

In other news, I wrote the recent Scholastic children’s book Hungry Shark: The Official Shark-Tastic Guide, which is a guide to all of the characters in the Hungry Shark video game franchise. The book was the subject of a blog post on the Scholastic blog, as well as a post on the Ubisoft blog. (The Hungry Shark games are developed and published by Future Games of London and Ubisoft.)

And now that you’ve made it through the gauntlet of my announcements, I shall reward you with a humiliating anecdote. However, this anecdote will not involve my writing career. No, this anecdote is from before I even had a career. This anecdote comes from my childhood! (Ooo, spooky, right?) And it has to do with Batman, so it’s relevant to the “Batman at 80” theme of this post! Anyway, here goes…

1989 was Batman’s 50th anniversary. That’s why the first Tim Burton Batman movie was released in June of that year. But at the beginning of 1989, a TON of Bat-merchandise was unleashed upon the general public, in anticipation of the film.

Guess who bought as much of that merch as humanly possible? Guess who bought as much of that wearable merch as humanly possible? Oh, it was me, dear reader. It was me.

Allow me to elaborate: One day (in 1989), I showed up to school wearing ALL of the following:

  • A Batman baseball cap
  • A Batman sweatshirt
  • A Batman T-shirt, worn UNDER the sweatshirt *
  • A Batman belt
  • Batman socks
  • Batman shoes
  • A Batman doll **

* See, just in case I had to remove the sweatshirt, I still wanted to show that I was an enormous Batman geek. Hence, the T-shirt.

** Okay, you can’t really WEAR a doll. But I gripped the doll tightly in one hand, signifying that it was part of the ensemble.

Yes, I showed up to school wearing all of that…stuff. And since the Batman sweatshirt was black, and so was the baseball cap, and so were the shoes and socks, I also wore black pants. They weren’t black BATMAN pants, but I’m pretty sure I was just hoping that I could somehow WILL them into being Officially Licensed Batman Pants.

How did I show up to school like that and not get endlessly bullied?

I mean, I DID get bullied, sort of, in that people walked up to me, their eyes bulged, and they exclaimed “Wow.” Then they got their friends, showed THEM what I was wearing, and their friends ALSO said, “Wow.” So I became the freak of the day, a sideshow-style curiosity that my fellow students could use to brighten up their otherwise dreary lives. Yay for them!

And it’s not like I didn’t bring it upon myself. If you drive an ice cream truck and you drive by a school, the kids are going to shout, “Hey, ice cream!” If you dress like a weirdo and walk through a school the kids are going to shout, “Hey, weirdo!”

That’s what I get for dressing up like the world’s shortest Batman movie poster. And as I’m typing this, I’m realizing that this probably also explains my present-day reluctance to wear any item of clothing that has a fictional character – or a logo advertising a fictional character – emblazoned on it. It’s a rule I have. I don’t wear clothes that turn me into a walking billboard.

But I’m trying to break that rule, especially when sticking to said rule hurts other people’s feelings. For example, as I sit here typing this blog post, I’m wearing a Star Wars T-shirt which has a picture of Han Solo and Chewbacca on it. Laid over that image is a page from the Star Wars screenplay. My wife bought that for me. Since I’m a writer, and I’ve worked on a few Star Wars-related projects, she thought I’d like it.

And I do. If I didn’t wear it, she would be upset by that. But what about my rule?

I mean…

I guess I can break it, just this once…

Right?

I Can FEEL Your Anger! It Gives You Focus! Makes You Stronger!

5/23/19

You know what? As a writer, often I really try to get into the heads of my characters. And sometimes, I take it too far. For example…

Oh, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Here’s a couple of announcements (and THEN, as usual, I’ll tell you an embarrassing anecdote from my writing career).

  • MAD Magazine: I wrote a humor piece called “The Bad Roommate,” which was illustrated by David DeGrand. It appears in MAD #7, on sale now!
  • Last month my Avengers Little Golden Book The Threat of Thanos (illustrated by Shane Clester) appeared in a Barnes & Noble ad in celebration of the film Avengers: Endgame! (Click on the thumbnail to see the whole ad)
  • Hungry Shark: The Official Shark-Tastic Guide, written by yours truly, comes out on June 25th, 2019 from Scholastic. Barnes & Noble included the book on their list of “Guides & Novels for Your Gamer.” (Seriously, what’s with Barnes & Noble hyping all of my books lately? Not that I’m complaining…)
  • Star Wars Adventures: Recently I wrote a Tales from Wild Space comic book story called “Majordomo, Major Problems,” which was illustrated by Drew Moss. “Majordomo” is an 8-page backup tale in Star Wars Adventures #23, which comes out on June 26th, 2019 from IDW Publishing.

Now that that’s out of the way, I believe you’re owed a humiliating anecdote about my writing career. And you shall have it:

As a writer, often I really try to get into the heads of my characters. For example, when I was a staff writer on the television series TruTV Presents: World’s Dumbest, I found that in order to write jokes for Gilbert Gottfried (who was one of the cast members), you had to yell the jokes out loud AS Gilbert Gottfried. In other words, you had to do an impression of Gilbert Gottfried, to figure out how he would say a particular joke.

And that’s something I’ve done quite a few times in my career. When I was writing the scripts for the House M.D. video game, I did an impression of Hugh Laurie, in his “Gregory House” voice. As “Hugh Laurie,” I acted out each scene, talking into a digital recorder. Then I played it back in order to see if it sounded like something the character would actually say.

When I used to write Bart Simpson comic book stories for Bongo Comics, whenever Krusty the Clown was in a story, I found that it was really helpful to brainstorm one-liners for Krusty by doing a terrible Krusty impression and ad-lib some jokes while talking into the digital recorder. More recently, when I wrote my LEGO Star Wars books for Scholastic, I liked to put a few Emperor Palpatine jokes in each book. And sometimes the jokes were written IN Palpatine’s voice, especially if Palpatine was narrating a section of the book. That meant doing a really terrible, over-the-top Ian McDiarmid impression, and it really helped make the Palpatine jokes and Palpatine narration even funnier.

But what I’m really getting at is that – as I type this – there’s a digital recorder right next to my laptop. On that digital recorder’s files there’s hours and hours of audio of me doing the absolute WORST Hugh Laurie, Krusty the Clown, and Ian McDiarmid impressions. And when I was writing the House scripts, I was also doing impressions of the OTHER House cast members. So there’s audio of me doing awful Omar Epps impressions, awful Lisa Edelstein impressions, awful Robert Sean Leonard impressions. Oh, you have no idea. And you WILL CONTINUE TO have no idea. Because nobody will ever hear those audio files. I guess this isn’t really a humiliating anecdote as much as it’s a POTENTIALLY humiliating anecdote.

But if you ever need something to blackmail me with, just steal the digital recorder, okay?

 

That One Time I Played A Bed (Well, PART OF A Bed) On National Television

12/31/16

Some time ago, I was a staff writer on the television series TruTV Presents: World’s Dumbest. For those of you that don’t know, World’s Dumbest was a “clips show,” and that means that people would send us clips of themselves and their friends doing stupid things. And we (the writing staff) would write comedy sketches and jokes making fun of the clips.

Someone had sent us a clip of this moronic woman playing a prank on her boyfriend. She had bought a plastic mannequin’s head, got under the covers in bed and pretended to make out with it (no I’m not making this up). Her idea was that her boyfriend would come home and he’d be all like, “Oh no, my girlfriend’s cheating on me!”

I wrote a comedy sketch making fun of this clip, which featured cast member Amanda Landry. In the sketch, Amanda is in bed with the plastic head, and she’s ACTUALLY cheating on her boyfriend with it. So she keeps saying tender, sentimental things to the head. We keep cutting to the mannequin head who says nothing, then back to her, reacting as though the mannequin head has said something profound or romantic. It went like this:

AMANDA [moans happily]: That was A-MAZ-ING! [to mannequin head] Was it good for you?
CLOSE UP ON: mannequin head, completely still and silent.
AMANDA [to mannequin head]: We almost got caught last time. We have to be  more careful.
CLOSE-UP ON: mannequin head, completely still and silent.
AMANDA [to mannequin head]: You always know just what to say.

You get the idea. Anyway, when we actually went to shoot this comedic masterpiece, we got a prop bed for Amanda and the mannequin head to lay down in. BUT…

When the bed arrived on set, it was missing two of its legs. The legs that go below the headboard. Someone had to CROUCH DOWN BEHIND THE HEADBOARD and hold up that end of the bed and play the part of the missing legs. Since I wrote the sketch, and all the Production Assistants were busy, I got drafted.

This is the way it went down: they would shoot a take, then they’d yell cut, I’d stretch my (real) legs, then I’d crouch back down behind the headboard and hold up my end of the bed by the time they yelled “Action” again. This went on for HOURS. They even tweeted a few photos of me popping my head up from behind the headboard between takes.

Over the years, I’ve taught screenwriting and comedy writing courses at quite a few different schools. And I often tell this story to my students. The moral of the story is that the entertainment industry is WEIRD. If you are lucky enough to make a living in show business, at some point someone’s going to ask you to pretend to be the two missing legs of a bed in a nationally televised comedy sketch. Or they’re going to dress you up in a turkey costume, like Paul Simon in that “Still Crazy After All These Years” bit on SNL. Or they’ll ask you to hold a sandwich between your legs while Kenneth Branagh shoots a scene in a Woody Allen movie (that happened to a friend of mine once).

And you’ll do it, because that’s show business, and there’s a line a mile long of other people who would kill to have your job, even if that job involves being the missing legs of a bed. So there’s no room for divas, and you’ve kinda got to get used to all the weirdness inherent in the entertainment industry or you won’t last very long.

Like Lee Strasberg says in The Godfather: Part II, “This is the business we’ve chosen.”

Boy is it ever.

 

Please contact me if you want to use this for any reason. arie@ariekaplan.com