You know what? It’s Hanukkah! So I figured I’d talk about Hanukkah! No, not Hanukkah the holiday; Hanukkah the MOVIE. See, there’s a horror film that came out a few years ago called Hanukkah. It’s a slasher movie about Hanukkah, and they decided to CALL the movie Hanukkah. Which is a terrible title for a Hanukkah-themed horror movie. It’s so unimaginative! I mean, couldn’t they come up with a better title than…Hanukkah? It doesn’t even SOUND like a horror movie title.

I know that some of you reading this might be thinking, “Oh yeah, Arie? You think you can do any better? You think YOU can come up with a better title?”

And here’s my answer: Challenge accepted! I decided to come up with a list of BETTER titles for a Hanukkah-themed horror movie. I gave myself a few minutes to accomplish the task, and here are the titles I came up with:

• Judah Maccabeast
• Dreidel Dreidel Dreidel, I Made You Out of SLAY
• MenoraaaaaaAAAAGGGHHH!
• The Whining
• Fried-Dough the 13^th
• Mr. President, Those Latkes Are Alive!
• Gelt By Association
• Killer Kleins from Outer Space
• A Great Miracle Happened SCARE!
• Macca-Beat You To Death
• Jelly Donuts from Hell!
• The Discount Pair of Men’s Slacks That Wouldn’t Die
• Death Dreidels: Dreidels of Death
• The House of Wax…Menorah Candles
• Kvellraiser
• Skullcaps
• Tales from the Dark Sidelman
• Catskills Resort Massacre
• Menorah-morphosis
• The Wrath of Cohen
• Burial Plotz
• Salem’s Latke

There. ANY of those are a better title than Hanukkah. So if you’re reading this and you’re a film producer, and you want me to write a Hanukkah-themed horror screenplay to go with any of the above titles, you know where to find me. (Um, via the “Contact” page of this website. Or just email me at arie@ariekaplan.com That’s where you can find me.)