A Science Fiction Story with a Very Thin Plot
Hope everyone’s staying safe and healthy.
Recently, I wrote a short story for the humor site Points in Case. It’s called “A Science Fiction Story with a Very Thin Plot.” You can check it out HERE.
The basic premise behind the piece is: what if you had to write a science fiction story but you had no real story to tell and you had to REALLY pad it out?
Hope you enjoy it!
Also, last year I wrote a Star Wars Adventures comic book story called “Majordomo, Major Problems,” which was illustrated by Drew Moss. It’s one of the stories reprinted in Star Wars Adventures Vol. 9: Fight the Empire, which is out NOW from IDW Publishing. For more info, and to see the book’s cover art (by Elsa Charretier and Sarah Stern), click HERE.
“Majordomo, Major Problems” is about Jabba the Hutt’s personal assistant Bib Fortuna, and how stressful it is working for an intergalactic crime lord like Jabba.
And speaking of Star Wars…
Hey, you know who’s part of the Star Wars universe? Darth Vader. Know what? He wears a mask whenever he leaves the house. Or whenever he’s around other people. Be like Darth Vader and wear a mask, people!
And honestly, that’s the ONLY way in which you should really emulate Darth Vader. But hopefully you already knew that.
That One Time I Tried To Write A Sonnet
Last Friday, December 27th, was my wife Nadine’s birthday. I decided to write a sonnet for her. I figured, how hard could it be? I’m a writer, right? So what if I’d never written a sonnet before. Was I successful? See for yourself:
Nadine’s Birthday Poem
A poem for Nadine’s birthday
– By Arie Kaplan
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate
Also, thou hast a body and flesh and blood and internal organs and a skeleton and hair and toenails
Whereas, a summer’s day is, you know, a time of day during the summer, and it has none of that “flesh-blood-skeleton-toenail” stuff.
Nor does a summer’s day actually take physical form in any finite way.
A summer’s day might be filled with any number of delightful physical THINGS.
A walk along the duck pond. That sort of stuff.
Ducks are physical objects, right? So is a pond.
But a summer’s day isn’t…it’s not…What am I trying to say? Help me out here…
A summer’s day is not encased in a body like a person is.
A summer’s day is not endowed with a psyche. It’s not self-aware.
A summer’s day doesn’t have emotions, opinions, wants, needs. URGES.
Does a summer’s day even know that it’s the daytime? No it does not.
And the concept of “day” is really just part of our artificial, manmade* way of marking time.
When it’s day where I am, maybe it’s night where you are.
Time is a construct.
So, you know, just to refresh: you and a summer’s day. Not really that much alike. The comparison is minimal at best.
Thou knowest what? Let’s start over.
Shall I compare thee to…wait.
I mean, come on.
Are you honestly telling me that there was a period in human history when comparing a woman to a summer’s day WASN’T a cliché? Like, did that work? Was that something men said to women to get their attention…AND IT WORKED? And how far back do you have to go to find a time when that DID work?
William Shakespeare wrote the ACTUAL “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day” sonnet.
He lived from 1564-1616.
Comparing a woman to a summer’s day HAD to have been played out by that time. No?
I mean, even back then, I’m assuming Shakespeare’s in a pub with his buddies. And he’s like, “Hey guys, I’m thinking of writing this poem where I compare a woman’s beauty to…” And his friends are like, “Let me guess. A summer’s day?” And he’s like, “N-never mind…” And he just trudges off all frustrated because he can’t come up with a better metaphor. So this is what we’re stuck with.
You know what? How about “Shall I compare thee to a meat pudding? You’re both made of meat, but you wear it better.”
THERE. DONE. FIXED IT. I FIXED YOUR HORRIBLE AWFUL POEM, SHAKESPEARE, YOU IDIOT.
Anyway, Happy Birthday, Nadine.
Love,
Arie
12/27/19
* Okay, so maybe saying “manmade” in this day and age is considered a microaggression. But I didn’t intend it that way. Also, nobody says “humanmade.” This isn’t the world I wanted. It’s just the deeply flawed world I was born into. And so were you, Nadine! So were you! Speaking of which – once again – Happy Birthday, Nadine!